do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
