So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
