you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
