I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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