I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
