i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
