I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am naked and annoyed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
