Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm passing your future prison.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
