A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
