3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
