he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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