we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
