Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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