I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
