Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
