I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
