So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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