I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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