when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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