Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
