I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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