Someone shit on the floor
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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