I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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