is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
