I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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