it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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