I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
