ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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