i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
