I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
