and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
