she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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