He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
