We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
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She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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