I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
