All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
