I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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