Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
