I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
