He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
