the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the condom got lost in my hair
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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