I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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