He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
