It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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