I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
