Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
