so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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