I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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