I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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