I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just gift wrapped bread.
This house was built for laser tag.
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where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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