My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
