I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
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