So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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