Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
