i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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