addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
