Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
