Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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My boob is missing a layer of skin
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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