I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
