You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The adults are the big ones right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
