It's like God shit irony all over that family
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
