I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
